There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
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If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m about to risk it all