The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.