[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
You Might Also Like
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.