What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
You Might Also Like
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity