While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
tourist season
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”