Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
So that’s what we looked like?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks