A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
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Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
me after drinking all the wine:
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
This is my favorite one of these!
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My first son he is wonderful
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.