*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
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there’s probably a fee though
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep