I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Twitter remains undefeated
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen