Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
sistine chapel
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.