I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
This meeting could have been a cake
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
That’s fair