While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Not😆🤣
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.