for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
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[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Wait for it
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Namaste
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”