Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.