Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.