I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter