If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Awwwww shit.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Can’t, holding a grudge
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.