[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
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What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.