JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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#GeekySongsAndShows
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew