*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms