My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.