People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not