Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar