People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day