He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT