Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]