I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Cinematography is my passion
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
honestly, i need both:
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom