Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.