a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Your honor these allegations are
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Cha-ching is my safe word
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok