I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
this could fix me
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Bro what is this
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody