You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same