if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”