The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
You Might Also Like
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?