2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.