CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
smh
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The French word for sex is croissant.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I’m not stressed
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.