[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.