Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security