the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Girl, same.