[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Wait for it
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Best mom ever 😂
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.