I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
normalize having existential bread
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.