All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
why would tinder want me to say this
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?