i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Why are bridges so flammable.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan