Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
The French cow says MEUX…
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*