At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
You Might Also Like
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
same bro
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
new career option?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
*praying for world peace*
God:
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.