[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Why would I want to fund a crowd?