I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
they really do be looking like this
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over