Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.