I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?