My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”