No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords